Too Good To Be

Since ive been rubbish at posting i thought i would try this out.
So i share my birthday with ICe Cube.......right not really who i wanted to be able to claim that with.
Courtney Cox - not that bad. But she hasnt really done anything decent recently. Though she will be in season 8 of scrubs. And spoiler alert - she does something nasty to janitor :(
OOoooo - i share my birthday with the lead guitarist of good charlotte! Oh joy. Note the sarcasm intended.
Ha lol a guy called Muff Winwood was born on june 15th! lol.
Slightly ore intellectual - Simon Callow was also born on june 15th. He played the one who dies in Four weddings and a funeral. V good shakespeare actor.
Wayhey! Noddy Holder from slade was also born on my bday!
Neil Patrick Harris from How I met Your Mother (i think) aswell. This could be getting better....
And it does. Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol shares my birthday! Score!!
And we end with Nadine Coyle from Girls Aloud.

Well i didnt do too badly when i chose to come into the world.
Shame bout the rest of my life tho. Ive taken it down a pretty dark and twisty path. I was full of christmas spirit until today. Ive just had a rubbish day - i pretty much have those every few days at the moment. And now even my cats have defected to stay in my parent's room. I used to be their favourite!
I feel every rejection like it is a fresh stab in the heart at the moment. Im even starting to think that people are just making excuses to not talk to me anymore.
My self esteem is at an all time low. Ive put on weight which necessitates buying new clothes which just depresses me. Almost as much as how i look in my current clothes. And the fact that my mum seems to find fault with every single item of clothing that i wear just gets me down more. She is trying to be constructive . But critisism is still critisism.

xxx

PS sorry if any ms are missing. The key is being tempremental.

Surprise surprise ive been erratic in my postings again. But im gonna try and keep it breif nad just a bit of a re cap as to what i have been doing with myself.
After my last post i decided to hot foot it home. The hardest but ultimately one of the best decisions i have made. Uni have been fantastic - i am now repeating 2nd year next year. And i am in the middle of spending 6 months at home with mum dad chazz and my two gorgeous long haired norweigan forest cats. Rico is currently sleeping at my feet obviously not wanting to go out in the rain this evening.
I got my self sorted out with a job and am lifeguarding two or three times a week at Kippie Lodge, my local sports club where i worked a couple of years ago. Its awesome, very laid back and a very friendly place. Good money aswell! That has also come with a few additions to the social life which was looking non existant before - it onw getting fairly busy with a couple of things with different friends a week. Apart from dan who i see upwards of 5 times a week but he has become one of my rocks and someone who i can go to if i dont want to talk to mum or if i want to complain about how rubbish guys are (more of that later).
I have also started therapy on on top of my anti depressants. It is going really well and the nurse who is doing it with me is lovely and we get on really well and just chat. There was even a hot guy sitting in my session today who was a 2nd year medical student doing his mental health rotation. He was good to chat to aswell :P I kinda hope hes there next week. So i am well on the road to recovery and doing something proactive about it. Its not a process where you can sit back and let the drugs do their work and you are magically cured. Its a long and hard process where you have to examine all your thoughts feelings and actions, but so far it has been a positive experience.
Ive also been to two festivals so far - Latitude and T in the Park. Both of which were awesome and good to hang out with some different people and just go with the flow. Not having to worry bout organising things to within in inch of its life, which is what seemed to happen in exeter. Im hopefully going to leeds aswell later on it the summer which should be awesome.
My last post was mainly about Laurie. Well not having spoken to him or seen him since i left exeter seems to have helped. Of course i get painfully reminded of him sometimes on facebook but it kinda helps me deal with it a bit cause i know that im going to have to get used to it in exeter. But there is a guy who I like from work. Of course he is completely wrong for me and has a girl friend. got v drunk with him and some friends and led somewhere. That is not gonna happen again due to aforementioned girlfriend which is hard, but i havent had to deal with not getting a guy before cause ive always got him in the end, so hard but good in the long term probably. It does make working a 5 hour shift with him a bit awkward tho cause he knows how i feel. but again, something to learn to use later in life. Its got to happen at somepoint! It all just sucks rather alot tho. He is leaving at the end of next week tho to go travelling for a month - without his mobile phone. So yet more distance between me and guys.
And talking of distance. I am moving. Not just uni style moving but whole family uprooting style mooving. We are going to be moving to just outside of Yeovil, renting my aunts house from her while she tries out retiring in edinburgh and we try to find a house somewhere in the south west. So i will be an hour away from uni - with my car at uni next year. :D So i will have plenty of support when they move closer, and i will be able to split my time between uni and home. And ease myself back into the uni way of life without loosing that crucial support that they have given me over the past few months. I dont know what i would have done without them.
OOpps i promised this would be a short one. Lots to tell i suppose. And there is even more. Might just post tomorrow to escape the builders spreading dirt around the house. xx

I cant sleep. Its been a while since i posted on here and i am sure that only two people actually read my journal they know most of this anyways so this is my therapeutic rant session where i can get angry at my computer while playing angry music cause i cannot sleep.
Laurie broke up with me. He called me after texting me 3 days earlier saying that we needed to talk. I had 3 days, during which i was traveling home in the car with my mum, to think about what he would say to me. His excuse? He couldnt do a long distance relationship because i was going to go home for the term to deal with my depression. We hadnt even talked about it. I had had to decide what was best for me to get better from this illness. And it is a physical illness, the limbic system in my brain has actually broken. I called to hell him about it and he was at sarah b's house. Where he seemed to be an aweful lot of the time. This is the same girl that he had a four way kiss with - but thier lips still touched so it was still a kiss. And there are photos from _pip_pop_'s birthday where it seems they are looking slightly longingly at each other, when i was asleep upstairs cause i was feling tired and very unsociable compared to everyone else who was getting trashed when i hadnt even had one glass of white wine and lemonade.
So laurie broke up with me via phone after me having to get him to call me when he came on msn. For him to break up with me, saying that it was because of the depression and he just couldnt deal with it anymore, and that is i got better we could possibly think bout it in the future. He did also say that he cant say what would happen in the future - but still being in love with him i heard the possibly in the future bit more than the he cant say that it will happen.
So i decided to go on my fieldtrip to america for a week, and try uni , not because i wanted laurie back because i felt that i should at least try and see if i enjoyed the fieldtrip and got my passion back.
I did enjoy the fieldtrip and i did get my passion back for geography but when i got back to uni i realised that i had no hope of completeing the year as i had so much work to do and i was in not state to do any of it for the deadline of the first thursday back.
So i spoke to laurie the first monday i was back, after returning on the sunday night. And shocker he was already going out with someone else. Sarah B. He said they had spent alot of time together over the holidays cause i pissed of to austria when i realised i couldnt be in exeter anymore because i walked into his house and was in tears within 15 minutes. Maybe i knew something deep down that i didnt want to admit. That i was loosing him and he had been my rock for a good 9 months, since i first messed things up on my birthday, i didnt want to let that go. I still dont want to let that go but ive had to cause he hurt me so much, ive had to find new people to confide in and to help me get through the toughest period of my life, that has me struggling to be myself, and to not hurt myself ( though i have done again so recently) or kill myself. The sad thing about depression is that these thoughts often go through my head at my lowest point where i dont feel as though i can speak to anyone about it cause that point has been and gone.
Laurie esentially took my heart, tore it out and stomped on it when my mood couldnt have gotten much worse unless he did that. Because about two weeks after we broke up he started going out with another girl who i considered to be my friend, who had been going through a tough time herself and i was trying to be sympathetic to even though i was suprememyl jealous of her cause she was the person who i wanted to be, and now is most defiantely that person. She is happy, bubbly, popular, got the xtv committee position that i wanted, and is now going out with the boy that i still love. But i am trying to get over him. I dont even feel as though i can bitch about her cause she seems to be everybodys friend.
I got myself into this through looking at facebook tonight to see a photo of laurie and sarah looking as though they were about to kiss and that just sent me into a much needed rant about them for today.
I feel as though through their actions they have cut me off from my friends, because i dont feel that even if i was in exeter i would have been able to go out with all of my friends cause they would have been there too. I wouldnt have gone to the x media awards, where i am actually nominated for an award because both of them would be there and i wouldnt be able to deal with that.
I am finding it frustrating to get therapy both in aberdeen and in exeter because there arent enough for everyone because there is an increased recognition and therefore increased demand for therapists, so who know when i am going to get help. To get me out of this massive hole that i keep on going back into. I cant keep myself out of it. I need the help but i cant seem to get it. What am i supposed to do now?
I cant even bloody sleep cause thoughts about friends and laurie are going around my head. I have spent the last two weeks on sleeping tablets and tonight is ther first night that i havent taken them since ive been back, and my sleep has just gotten worse, so i feel like im just going to slip back on this very slippery slope, and if i get much worse, who knows what is going to happen cause i am defiantely not strong enough to over come the urge to self harm at the moment so if i get worse, then i cant say that i wont do anything drastic.
This is me at my worst, so please dont be to alarmed, but please tak it as a warning, dont treat others as you wouldnt like to be treated. You dont know what it will do to them, and thier state of mind.
Mine is so fragile that one comment can shatter it, who knows what some misplaced words or actions could do. Cause i dont.

Have been at the NaSTAs this weekend! XTV won 5 awards!! 2 1st places and 3 2nd places!! WOW! Its the best weve ever done!
Pip Adam and Laurie got BEST COMEDY!!! Woot!! and 2nd in drama and video to music. F***ing A!!
Even though I was completely sober it was an awesome night. And i can't wait for next year already!
Flew back home today and so glad to be here. I get a week of mum looking after me and have already got a massage booked for tomorrow.
I also get Harriet, the kitten, who is currently asleep on the desk in front of me. And she lets me pick her up, which apparently no one else can do, even though this is the second time i have been home since we got her in Feb.

Basically this week is looking good. An unusal thing.

I am knackered.
I have been all week and having my brother to stay for the last two days6 hasnt helped either. Having to get him up at 6 am and then 8:30 am this morning to fly home completely ruined my one descent nights sleep and so i have only managed to have a few uninterupted hours of sleep. Compare this to this to this time last year when i was still sleeping for about 10 hours a night.
I still havent started my work, which i now have an extention for but its due on monday, when i will be flying home and might not be able to get an internet connection. Oh joy.
I havent filmed any of the new news stuff either, and the links are buggered and we havent filmed the voiceovers so cant edit it completely. We might just have to get it out at the beginning of the term instead. Not what i wanted to do.
It would give me a break from it over the holidays though. And ive got enough work to do then and things to sort out that it might be a good thing. I really want to get the show out but im not in a position to get it out at the moment as my head is everywhere except where i want it to be most of the time.
I should be in a practical session right now but im feeling quite nauseous today. Even though i have eaten - which normally makes me feel better. I did have one drink last night but that made me feel horrible so it could still be that. I better learn from my mistakes before i try and drink at NaSTAs this weekend and make myself feel ill.

I thought I would try posting a short post for once.

OMG Paul Jackson (Head of ITV Entertainment and Comedy) is lovely and awesome. And he is coming back next term! And is going to help us film some sitcoms.
He also LOVES Finals - so happy for Pip, A and L. They deserve all the praise they can get for it because it looks amazing.

So all round, yesterday was a massive ego - boost, followed by a crappy nights sleep again.
Cant wait to go home.

Things have changed in the last few days. 
I have now officially been diagnosed with depression and been put on anti-depression medication. Im really warry of taking them cause of so much coudiness around them and reading the leaflet with the amount of side effects on slightly scares me. It does however give me the best chance of getting better quicker and actually being able to complete the year. If i dont take them now then it looks like i wont be better before next term and by my own admission if im not better by the beginning of next term i would let my tutor start a fitness to study series of event that could result in me repeating the year. 
At this point it kinda looks like a good idea, get another chance at committee, actually try and learn something this time and have more focus on my work. This year provides all of the foundation for next year and if i struggle through this year and the exams, which could make me even worse, and next year i dont have another chance if i fail the year. 
So friday ended ok, having handed in my coasts poster on time, and getting my mitigating circumstances in, which was one thing off my mind. I now however have two peices of work in for this week which i havent started and am going to find it very hard to complete. I am going to ask for an extention this time, having learned from what happened last time, so things might be a bit better.
Although on friday night i went to switch on my computer and it decided not to work, so J is going to fix it tomorrow, the lovely guy. 
Yesterday was ok. I went into town to film a protest and thinknig that it might be a bit controversial I arrived finding it completely one sided and very political so ive got a tough decision to make on regards to using it in the show. I saw lots of people i knew i town, including the birthday girl, Pip, and L and A. It was good to get a few things although it did make me very tired, having been woken up by a builder coming round to look at the roof about getting a ladder put in. 
I went home with the intention of finishing tidying my room, but soon found my self falling asleep, which was a good thing, but i ws supposed to be at L's before the party for Pip's birthday that night. I woke up to L calling me at 7:30 when everyone was arriving to ask where i was. It gave me the most horrible feeling knowing that i was supposed to be there already, being really tired still and having been asleep for a few hours. I wanted to be at L's hanging out with every one but i still needed to get all of my stuff together. 
So they picked me up when walking to the beer box to get booze for the night and i didnt miss out on too much i believe. 
I wanted to stick to my no drinking rule but still wanted to enjoy myself so i made my self a pint of about 1/3 wine and the rest lemonade. I didnt even manage to drink that in about 3 hours and i went to bed early, without really saying goodnight to anyone except L and J. L's room is right above the living room so i could still hear everything that they were singing on Singstar. Even watching a movie didnt help me drift off to sleep. 
 I did eventually manage to get to sleep, but obviously not long before L came back up to go to bed once everyone had left. I then started waking up at 6:45 and practically every 2 hours after that until i wasnt getting any more decent sleep and decided to go down stairs to watch tv. L was sleeping off his hangover and i was trying to find something descent to watch on tv. 
I had my camera out lsat night and left it downstairs when i went to bed so it was on the table and i was looking through it this morning finding some priceless pictures of a v drunken J and something else that hasnt made me very happy. A pic of L  and Pip in a 3 way kiss with S ( who got head of factual). I wouldnt mind if L kissed Pip, cause even i have, but S is just a little too much for me. I am actually quite jealous of her, she seems to be universally popular, lovely, has got the job that i wanted, all my friends like her and is able to have a really good time. I just seem to be a shell of myself with all my nasty bits of my personality comeing out, like jealously and bitterness and not being much fun. If i think back to a few months ago i would of been getting riotously drunk, and doing things like kissing both L and Pip at the same time. She seems to be the person that i want to be but cant be. And it really not making me happy at all, just making things worse. And because she is normally around, i am always nice to her face, she doesnt deserve any of the feelings i have towards her, so why should she suffer for it. She is too nice not to be nice to her. 
So that was what i woke up to this morning and L being slightly hungover. He and A are now playing Smash Bros and i just wnat to go back to my own house for once when i am usually itching to be here. 
I ve changed and I dont like me anymore. Not that i did that much in the first place but i was at least able to live with myself about it most of the time.

So here i am again on a monday feeling the same as i did last week with no improvement since last week. I was hoping that i was turning a corner with some good days but having two bad days in a row makes everything seem to have gone back to square one.
I had a up and down day on saturday - filming  pip's music video. I even managed to do some half decent shots with the camera for it and pip used them. It made me feel very proud. But sitting around sometimes getting cold and feeling superfluous to everything didnt make me feel great and took L to cheer me up even though he wasnt having a particularly great day either. I was also on camera, even though i normally look rubbish and get really nervous this was the easiest thing in the world for me to do - look couply with L as the video was all about couples and relationships etc. It looks great and the song has been stuck in my head so go here to watch it.
Saturday night was the Xmedia UV lemmy and was a great night. Everyone looked awesome and it was great to see all of Nick's hard work pay off etc. Aparently week 8 isnt great for lemmy numbers but the place was full as far as i know and looked fantastic aswell. A real credit to Nick and Cavey for putting it together.
Sunday i spent the day being rubbish and generally being in bed. L told me omething on saturday night that made me realise how much of a bitch my mood swings can make me. Especially to him. I tell him ill do one thing and then once my mood has changed at the end of an evening i dont want to any more and he gets frustrated and doesnt make him feel great. And the fact that i have been doing that quite alot recently has obviously been affecting him. I just wish i could stop being down all the time. After not having a great summer and end to last year i was so glad to be happy and bright and laughing every day. I felt pretty invincible, not feeling ill or emotionally run down for the first time in years. And then i sprain my back and get like this. It all just feels like someone really doesnt want me to have a time in my life when i can just be me, i have to be fighting against my body the whole time.
The good part of the start to the week was shopping with Pip today. We had a browse round for shoes and stuff for the Nastas so that we could be pretty and make all the boys look at us. We both didnt get everything we wanted but still managed to spend alot of money! So another shopping trip will need to be had next week.
I really should be doing work right now but seeing as merely talking to L on the phone had me in tears i dont think its on the cards majorly tonight. I think i might just watch ER instead.

Things have gone from bad to slightly worse. I was feeling really down last night but i had said that i would go over to L's for a bit so i did. He was in the middle of watching a movie and eating dinner with his housemate and i wasnt bout to interupt him and make him come and give me a cuddle. I did eventually get a cuddle on the sofa but once the movie and gordon ramsays kitchen nightmares usa had finished we went upstairs and i basically burst into tears. I only do it around him because he is the one that i know i can talk to and he usually is able to calm me down and get me to stop crying.
Last night that didnt really happen. I think he got to the bottom of why this is happening and what has caused it all but im not sure that i think it is the answer. Yes it does make some sense but why should it come up now? Its been brewing since childhood so why should it suddenly rear its head when i have been so happy?? Why is affecting my work and everything. Why is there so much going on to do with me being down that isnt to do with the possible reason at all??
I ended up leaving L's at bout 1:20 in the morning, knowing that i needed to get up early in the morning. I should be in a lecture right now but as usual i havent gone. I havent been for the last 3 weeks to any of my lectures at all. Or crucially any practicals. I left L upset and unhappy about the state of our relationship. I know i am pushing him away slightly but the fact that i have been living with him for the past 6 weeks means that any time i go back to mine it  is going to feel like me pushing him away, for both of us. He said that it feels like i am ruining our relationship with the way that i am and the fact that when i see him i break down and all the time we spend is dealing with my problems. We dont do anything together any more. I tried to get him to meet me for lunch today, but he said he just wanted to stay in all day and sleep for most of it. I understand that he needs to sleep but i was trying to make sure that we did something not to do with me breaking down and nothing to do with xtv. Cause thats what we seem to do together at the moment. We dont do anything fun or different or go out on our own to do something. Which if we did might help but the first time i tried it he said no.
I know i have obviously hurt him with the way that i am at the moment but i am trying to do something about it. Its just going to take time.One thing that is supposed to help is regular sleeping patterns and his arent exactly regular - staying up until the early hours of the morning and then sleeping until the afternoon. If have any hope of trying to get happier then i need to sleep and then get up early in the morning and try and do things. Be active and not stay in bed and wallow all day like i tended to do at his house.
I have made an appointment with the councelling service to talk to the same person who is was about SH and everything that was going on last year. But thats a week away still. With my thoughts, like they were this morning, back on SH then i need to go and see her asap. Not over a week after i made the appointment when things are likely to get worse. The first time i tried to go and see them they left it until after the easter holidays to say tht i could see someone regularly and by that time i was over my return to uni after being away for a month and i was getting better and i had friends again. It seems as though there is one failure after another to help people when they want it and need it.
I feel like i have been bi***ing alot recently, and i have never been one to get angry before but last night i got angry at L. It wasnt him that made me angry, it was everything else that happened at the doctors yesterday that made me angry but i took it out on him. My mum said something over the weekend about my brother being the type of person to take his anger out on the people closest to him. And i worry that if i am like that too then i am going to drive the people closest to me and the ones that i love the most away. And i cant do that because i need them too much and i love them too much. So im generally worried about my state of mind and aspects of my personality that seem to be coming out when things get tough. And they arent painting a great picture of myself.

I tend to go to the doctor thinking something is wrong with me, a doctor will give me something to fix it. Well, the past few times i have gone this has been disproven and the fact that doctors wont do anything to help you unless you tell them to help you. A went to the doctors two weeks ago after injuring my back (sprained it opening the fridge door - lame i know) but he said just to keep it mobile and just keep an eye on it.  The fact that i told him i hadnt been able to move with out being in pain might not have registered with him. But he was right and walking around did help it, so did having a nice long shower, so doctors, maybe try suggesting some thing most useful, like having a shower rather than just saying ' keep it mobile', you might actually sound like you are more qualified than the rest of us to practise medicine.
I went back today after the said doctor asked me to make a follow up appointment. So i went along knowing that i had something else to tlak to him about and that it wouldnt just be a waste of NHS time and money and my time to go there.  So he looked at my back and said it was healing well and that i should come back if i have any more problems with it.
I then mentioned that i had something else i wanted to talk about. That i was feeling really low and crying alot. Seemingly whenever i was around Laurie (who makes me happy the most and therefore has never made me cry) and after being with friends i would just feel really down. And that i would feel down very suddenly, like after the post Nasta social last week when i ended up walking myself home in tears. I told the doctor all this and i bit more about trying to think almost of excuses for the way i was acting but that it didnt seem to be the cause. He said that it was 'early days' if depression was to be talked about and i felt like screaming at him' Early Days!! A month worth of early days that i have been feeling like shit constantly!! Are you kidding me!!' but i didnt because i also have a fear of confrontation and causing anyone to feel hurt. So i agreed and said that i would speak to the councelling service and come back in two weeks to see how i was feeling. Two weeks away is the last week of term. Is two weeks really going to make a difference in determining whether i need help or not?? I have a history of self harm, and i am currently feeling liek shit. Is two weeks going to do me alot of good? Probably not. So the NHS has yet again failed to help. It may help in the future but i wanted help TODAY. I am sick of feeling like this and it makes me more upset every time i feel i down and teary because i know i have no control over my emotions. I have no control over the way i react to situations. I came out the the brilliant Nasta screening of all of XTV's best bits of the year, including the show that i produced and i felt like fucking crying again. For no apparent reason. I should be extatic! But i was depressed, moody and down and just wanted to find a little hole nearby and cry.
WTF IS MY BRAIN DOING?????

This week has been weird. Crap and weird. Last weekend i managed to completely fuck my computer up and spent 12 hours trying to fix it and get all the viruses and spyware off as it turned out my virus software hadnt updated for the last 4 months and hadnt been working. I still have viruses on my computer but at least it is functional again.
I then had to work my butt of on campus on monday instead of going to London for my job with Rough Guides. I feel really bad about it but this deadline counted towards my degree and i wasnt willing to risk a late hand in just because of something in london. I did however get a job this week being assistant producer for a video to be shown to the 300 most influential uni alumni. I was essentially organising the shooting of all he different sections around campus. We had a really hectic day on wednesday trying to get most of the shooting done as well as re filming the x news links for nasta ( which look great) and re editing news for nasta. Also finals came out which was stressfull! Basically i spent 13 hours in the office on wednesday. I was supposed to be going out but i had yet another deadline on thursday that i should have stayed on campus to do some work. But i was so nackered that i didnt. I went home so i could get up early the next day. I then managed to injure my back - doing the lamest of things - opening the fridge door. I had to go and lie on the floor and am still in pain now. I had to miss out on the rest of the filiming for the video aswell.  It was better yesterday but i went to the doctors and i have sprained the muscles in my back . There is also something pressing on the nerve that runs down my right leg from my spine and causing pain down my right leg. I didnt really notice it as much until i went to the doctors yesterday but i can definately feel it just now, sitting cross legged on Lauries bed. It hurts whatever i am doing and i am getting really crabby bout it again. I should be up at xtv trying to help pip adam and laurie edit the showreels and give them a break when they need one but i just know i wont be any help.
I really wish i could be more creative with tv. I am so gutted i wasnt there to film the zombie trailer as it was awesome but i was flying back from baku. Its one of those silly things that has made me feel more cut off from my friends. For example they are all going out to this surprise meal tonight and adam laurie and pip have all been invited and not me. I know its completely stupid but it really doesnt make me feel at all good about myself. Especially as when the girl who was organising it was getting orders for the meal from adam and laurie right infront of me. And i do know the girl who is being surprised aswell. I know its really stupid but i fel that sometimes people forget about me when it comes to things like this.
Gees - i hoped i wouldnt cry today but it seems as though i have. I am in a crappy mood for no reason at all and i dont want to inflict that upon any one. I just wanna be able to have somewhere thati can call my own here in exeter without being afriad to go home. Even though it has been over 4 months since laurie and i started going out it seems that ali hasnt gotten over him at all. She still pretty much gives me the cold shoulder whenever i am at my house. I dont even call it home anymore. I am at home in scotland so little that it just feels as though i dont belong anywhere at all. Since i came back to uni after xmas i havent spent a single night in my own bed. I feel as though i have been driven out of my own home. Yes i made a choice that caused this but i didnt think that it would be this bad. And although laurie says he doesnt mind i cant help but think that he is getting sick of me and that its all just going to implode.
Basically this week has been crappy. Ive missed a deadline and i still need to do the work for it but hopefully the doctors note will mean that it will be ok. I just want to fast forward to next week when the nasta deadline will be over and we can go out and get drunk and i wont care. I can then go home and see my parents and my new kitten who is really cute. Hopefully ill be able to see dan aswell even though i have been a crap friend to him recently which he doesnt deserve at all. Im generally just being shit at the moment. A shit friend, girlfriend and just generally a shit person.

Well i started to post of wednesday when in the middle of a complete stress melt down after a really pressured week feeling all crap and everything but then i managed to crash my computer and forgot all about it.
Until today when my ipod was on shuffle.
The reason for this is cause on thursday when i managed to drag myself out of bed i went to the wider careers fair which didnt have anything on my chosen career, laurie and pippop were manning the xtv stall at the volunteering fair to try and get people to join xtv. They had the campus radio station on Xpression FM and they were taking requests. Some one requested Misery Buisness by Paramore, one of my favourite bands at the moment and it just completely brought me out of my dark mood and i made a fool out of my self by pretending to sing along and generally suddenly get very happy with the change of one song. Also talking to pippop helped as it always does and it made me see that all it was was stress and it was just bringing out all of my insecurities. Even though i am now still knackered and just as stressed as i was as i have 1000 words to write on statistical analysis that i havent done yet before sunday night, i am happy and bouncing around and generally alot more pleasant to deal with. All because of the words of one great friend and one great song.
And i was reminded of this when a different song came on by paramore and i am now, sitting in front of my computer at Lauries house, bouncing around, not getting any work done but incredibly happy cause i am truely lucky to have the friends that i do and that they are the ones who can help brighten my days.
I also beg any one who is reading this to go and download, legally or illegally, paramores latest album or just even misery buisness as they are great!
On a side note i am going to london tomorrow for a rough guides training thing on monday to get prepared for the rest of the term even though i am already half way through it! oh well hopefully i can just work for them for a bit longer and get some more money as i seem to be spending alot and i am meant to be saving so i can go travelling at easter!!

Also i forgot to mention but one reason for this stress induced breakdown was the completion of the show that i am producing for XTV - X News and the first episode is now up at http://xmedia.ex.ac.uk/tv/watch/299. Please go and watch!!!

I was gonna post more on here. But as my usual interntions have failed at the first hurdle like they always do it is going to be back to the i need to have a rant so lets go on live journal.
This week has been a bit mental. The last few weeks actually. I ended up hurting a v good friend of mine by kinda ditching him to go to edinburgh for new years. I had a good time though and i cooked him the most amazing steaks ever, which i was really impressed with. Having never cooked them before and they were even better than i had ever tasted in a restaurant. Mainly cause the middle was still rare and so juicy and tasty. (Its safe to eat raw red meat before any one panics - it only chicken that you should never eat raw or past its sell by date)
The next morning i was off to see THE SPICE GIRLS! Twas amazing and worth only having two hours of sleep the night before to get the red eye flight down to london from aberdeen. Had an amazing day in london with pip_pop going round the british museum and looking at lovely Noel Fieldings paintings in a patisserie that we unortunately did not eat at but looked amazing. ( i probably couldnt have eaten anything anyways :( ) We then made our way to meet Abbie, Helen ,Zoe and Ali at the 02. The place is really cool now but i dont recommend going at night when there is a gig on cause the queues for everything are absolutely massive and even the toilet queue ourside the arena was massive. I had to run into a restaurant and beg to use a loo cause i had drunk too much coffee during the day. ( thank god for starbucks is all that i say).  Had a bit of a sticky moment when i called Laurie (bf) as i hadnt spoken to him all day and then Ali came back and knew that i was on the phone to him. Not the greatest moment but we are now able to be civil to each other and i just try and give her a break when something to do with the 3 of us happens.
I went back to pip_pop's as i had no home for the night before heading to Lauries for a few days before heading back to Exeter. Since getting back to exeter it has just been a bit mental. Laurie the lovely boy that he is took me out for dinner when we got back to exeter, before we went back to his and got v squiffy with all of his housemates and a few others.
Monday meant the return of the evil 9 am lectures but i managed to go to all of my lectures for once so far. I am now producing X News on XTV after taking over so that pip_pop can get a degree. V happy bout this as i have wanted to produce my own show and its going in for a national award aswell! eeek! so no pressure!
Had a spontaneous nite out on tuesday which resulted in much hilarity and me and pip_pop going mental to a spice girls megamix that went on. It was AWESOME!! We were doing all the dance moves while v drunk, excellent idea to have fun, not so good unless you want to look like a complete idiot and feel like one the next morning.
I have had a massive deadline rush handed to me for the weekend of the 26th, which includes a friend from school coming down and someone's birthday, 2 practical deadlines and XTV deadline and a full day fieldtrip. Once i get through that weekend im gonna need a holiday, but might end up helping make stuff for Nastas.
Well off to get ready to go out for dinner, driven by the lack of food in the house. another exciting and crazy weekend begins in exeter.

4 days of european globe trotting!! Woot! Thursday started with a flight down to London Heathrow to meet my parents who i hadnt seen in over 11 weeks! We then went across London to St Pancras and got on the Eurostar to PARIS!!!!!!!!!! OMG! I have never been to Paris before and it was amazing. The amazingness started on the train with muzz (mum) surprising us with first class tickets! It was brillaint - got served a meal and drinks - food was much better than airline food. And such a civilised way to travel. You could leave your phone on. Once you were settled you could get your laptop out and plug it in with provided plugs and relax for the whole journey. Was so much less stressful than flying. 
We got into Paris late on Thursday night and waited ages for a taxi before getting to our hotel. Which was v v nice and if you know paris at all was 5 mins from the opera house. We spent the whole of the next day going round the louvre and notre dame. Notre dame was amazing just to sit in and soak up the atmosphere. And the louvre was so huge it was very easy to get lost in! We saw the mona lisa - wasnt too bad in terms of being crowded by people. And the venus di milo and where they filmed tha da vinci code. Am now going to have to go back and watch the film again just to spot the bits where i have been!! 
We only had two nights in paris and spent our second day shopping and saw the arc de triomphe as well. It tends to look quite small to me when its on tv but the scale of it is enormous. And it looks as though it is 2 pillars but in actual fact it is 4 and you can essentially walk through it and read all the names on it. Havent quite found out who the names are yet, but it does also contain the grave of the unmarked soldier, much like the one that is in westminister abbey. 
We got the train back to london late that night and then had the next day xmas present shopping in london. I got to choose my xmas pressie from my rents which i am v chuffed with! 
Today my parents did some more shopping and i met up with laurie. As much as it was great to see him its never long enough and 5 hours isnt alot when i have practically spent the last 10 weeks with him. Still, hopefully i will see him after new years. 
I am now in the BA lounge at heathrow waiting for the flight home, having had a great time over the last four days but also looking forward to being home as a family again. Without thinking that my parents are going to rush off after 4 weeks to go back to Azerbaijan. Im just so glad to be going home!

Previously i have used livelournal as a place for me to talk about my problems as i felt that i couldnt talk to any one else around me about them. 
Well i can now happily say that that has changed and that i am truely happy. Life isnt easy still, but i have learned to cope with it without harming myself, which is what i was doing. Some people may say that im not living my life well, but if i am happy then i dont want to change it.
I am now very very happy with my boyfriend. Every thing over the summer, before and after was worth it to be able to be with him. He is absolutely amazing. Hes been there through the hardest times and the best times i have had this term and has always been there to listen to my emtional and irrational rants. 
Things at my house at uni arent great still, but i havent been there much in the last month or so, so there has been very little opportunity for confrontation. And if there has been a risk i have removed myself from the equation and let things go, trying to preserve my own sanity and cause as little emotional turmoil as possible for every one involved. 
Although i may have severely damaged my friendship with some people i have met a whole load of new and exciting people who i have alot more in common with through the student tv station. Everyone there is great fun and even under deadline stress we still manage to have some fun i think! I dont feel as though i now out on my own. I feel as though there are people around me who really care and who i can talk to about anything that i need to.

Now that everything has settled down emotionally, i can now try and concentrate on my uni work, which is doing better than this time last year. I have decided on my dissertation for next year and am going on a fieldtrip to seattle at easter, also going travelling with friends before hand. Thats something this time last year i could never have imagined doing. I am also working this year for a travel guide company promoting them around campus and providing prizes for quizes etc. Its a really fun job and i get to meet lots more people through doing it.

On travel related events, my parents are finally moving back to the uk in a few days time. This comes as a huge relief after being abroad for 3 and a half years in a country in which they were attacked ( both were ok though - a few stiches were required though) and a terrorist attack was foiled on the british and american embassies in the last few months. I did worry about them, and it just feels great that i wont have to travel for 24 hours if there is an emergency to go and see them. It will only be a few hours from the local airport. Last week i also went to venice for 3 days with friends - ultra cheap but had an amazing time. didnt even go in any museums and just soaked up the atmosphere of the place.  I highly recommend it for any student budget travelling! 

am off to paris in a few days - a surprise ( well until this morning) treat to meet then when they come back into the uk and have some family time together and do all the touristy things in paris on a not so student budget. 

as my parents are still out of the country i flew back to our house in the uk on sunday to pick up my brother from school. it felt very strange to be in our house - which feels huge when you are on your own in it - without any of my family. one of my great friends here and i drove up to get him from school, which is my old school, and it felt so odd to be there. even though i didnt end up going to the school carol service which i was intending to go to, it felt strangely surreal to watch the students walking in the middle of the road like i used to do. it has made me feel very responsible looking after my brother for these few days and made me appreciate what my mum does to look after us. i love my brother and really enjoy his company so its not as if its hard for me, and its great to have him aound to bring in wood for the fire! but i do feel very responsible for him here at home until we meet our parents again. and it makes me think that i will never be ready to have kids. if i did have kids it would have to be with the righ man who i was married to and who i knew would be great with kids, and who was possibly prepared to stay at home to look after them. i just dont know if i could as it all scares me so much. 
anyways, a very serious topic for discussion much further down the line. im technically still a teenager! i shouldnt be deciding these thigs now!! 
well that seems to be all that has happened in my life recently. im going to try and post more regularly with just snippets instead of huge long schpiels about my life. 

it may have been a while since ive been on here but there is still plenty of drama in my life. i may have created pretty much all of it and it being my own fault but it doesnt mean that some of the consequences don't hurt and affect me more than they would have if some one else didn't cause them.
the effects of my actions over my birthday weekend are still being felt. a few things have happened since then maybe making things worse and better but things seem to have moved on a bit. i am now in a relationship which is being heavily influenced, if not controlled by somebody outside of the relationship. it feels eat when i am with my boyfriend but the minute i start walking home this dread fills me about what could be waiting for me when i return. 
i mentioned how i returned to an old habit that i had when trying to cope with situations. i had managed not to do it since the end of last term but since coming back to uni i have manged to slip in a fairly dramatic way at a friends party. it was the first time that all 3 of the main people affected by my birthday actions were in the same room together since the end of last year and i couldnt deal with the way that one of them was acting very possesive and practically couply with my boyfriend, seeing as she is his ex i just couldnt take it. i had to get away. at the time i didnt want to cause a scene at my friends party but my dissapearance did that. 
that night truely showed my who my friends were. not the people who i am living with but a couple of other wonderful people who were concerned that i was alright and that i was safe.

i now know that i can go to these friends when i need them, like tonight so that i dont cope with situations badly as i did before. 
you loose and gain friends, but you keep the ones that are worth keeping and i am lucky to say that i have found quite a few of them.
and if anyone does happen to read this - my friends band is awesome - www.myspace.com/thevelcroquartet. please check them out!

yesterday was one of my worst and best days. we went to the beach to celebrate my and a friends birthday. it was an amazing day and we seemed to have found the only sunny day recently, when it has pretty much been raining constantly. we had a great time on the beach playing games, building sand castles, some of us even swimming in the sea. i should have been really happy but instead i was miserable. as a result of friday night the friend who i hurt asked me and another of my friends not to come within 5 m of each other. it felt like she was trying to control us so that she could get what she wanted. i ended up hardly speaking to a couple of my friends who were there and i wanted to be like a butterfly just fliting between things that people were doing and speaking to everyone. but the fact that i couldnt speak to one of my friends was always at the fore front of my mind, and i couldnt really think bout ne thing else. 
i finally did manage to speak to him when my other friend went down to the beach to swim but we only really exchanged a few words and didnt have a proper chat like i wanted to. things got better and we just chilled and had a bit to drink on the beach. we then got back to the train station and waited for the train which involved more drinking! and playing catch next to the railway track which provided some panicky moments when the ball almost went onto the tracks. my mood just seemed to go in swings and roundabouts on our way back from the train station and i just seemed to be in a really bad mood. i felt a bit better speaking to my brother when he called but afterwards i just got this rush of emotions that i couldnt deal with. and i dealt with them in the way that i seem to be always dealing with thm recently. it meant that i could put on a brave face for all my friends for a bit longer and i could try and have some fun at the bbq and be chatty and friendly. it didnt quite work tho. i broke down in front of my friend and was just crying my eyes out. something i never wanted to do. i didnt want to put my friends in one of those situations that they have to deal with the drunken over emotional one. i manged to control myself a bit but i ended up going to the co op with a guy who i knew smoked and bought cigarettes with him. i manged to go back to another old habit i had managed to give up. i started smoking. i hate my self now for it the ay afterwards but at the time it seemed to calm me down and able to think more clearly for a bit. we went back to where everyone else was and just sat chatting for a bit but then i felt like i needed to chat to my friend who i hadnt been able to speak to for the whole day properly. i ended up going to the park to talk to him and i ended up breaking down again. i spilt every thing out. absolutely everything. i never thought i would tell anyone how i tried to control my emotions but  i did tell him. i will always be grateful for him for listening to be trying to talk through my tears as everything came out. about how i started again, about how it makes me feel, about how i know that it is wrong but i cant seem to stop. we came back and he got me to give him all of the stuff that i have used, or could be tempted to use. that is a true friend. i dont know why i chose him to open up to but i did and to be honest i am grateful that i did choose him. even with everything else that is going on around us and what has happened over this weekend he has said that he will be there for me to talk to when i need to. and i believe him. so many friends say that they will listen but dont tend to truely listen to what you are saying and what your emotions are like.

So I don't seem to post much but using this as an online diary really seems to help. I don't mind who reads it or not, if ur from outer space or down the road, its my sort of self therapy. 
Last time i posted i was talking bout my emotions controlling me. Well, its still happening, with a few major consequences. After my actions of last night i may have just lost the majority of my friends and all of my housemates for next year meaning that i am probably going to need to find somewhere to live for the summer which might be a bit impossible. Alcohol was involved as it usually is, but that doesnt really provide an excuse. 
My destructive habit that i was talking bout hasn't kicked in but it did happen again between this post and my last post. I cant even remember why now but i did it more than i ever did. I am so teriffied of any one inding out exactly what i did that i wont even post it on here but i know it isnt healthy but it is the only thing that seems to be able to calm me down and let me get on with my life. It also seems like some sort of punishment when i have done something wrong, when i have let my emotions control me, that i need to show myself some how that i shouldnt do that, that i have to try and control myself. 
I think i have a problem where i cant seem to make friends without some sort of guy drama involved. And then whenever i mess up i feel like i will loose those friends. And having had so much trouble with friends at uni and not rally having very many different groups of friends as i had in my last two years at school, if i loose any friends here i feel as though it might drive me over an edge of some sort. I dont know how i would cope again if i felt that i had alientated myself fom everyone. Feeling so unbelievably low after coming back to uni and having a massive uphill struggle, i couldnt go through that again. 
On a plus note, i have finished my exams. And i know that i have passed 4 out of my 8 modules. I know the results of one of my exams which i didnt expect to pass so was pleasantly surprised when i saw that i had. The rest were coursework modules. Ill find out in bout a week if i did pass ne of them - i dont know if i actually want to or not. I feel as though i have missed out on so much this year that if i repeated the year i could still be gaining experience and information and would have a better basing for next year. 
O a very happy note it was my birthday on friday. I had agreat day with everyone and even got to see my parents which i hadnt done for the last 3 years on my birthday. I did see my dad last year as a surprise but i hadnt seen them together in a while. We made dairy free banoffee pie which was absolutely delicious ( i am alergic to dairy products) and caramel shortbread. sooooo good, but not so good for then getting very drunk, and morning after stomachs - mine still isnt quite right 24 hours afterwards! I got some amazing presents - a tent from my parents to take to t in the park, a cat teapot which is so cool, a spongebob squarepants bin - for my room next year - brilliant! lol a sheep handbag - it is literally a sheep with handles - so cool! - a hand to hang all my jewellry on - which i had been eyeing up for ages that two of my friends got me together - its amazing!! We then got v drunk in the evening which kicked off all the problems now but i still had a great night with all of my friends. 
Right, rant over, hopefully ill be able to sleep now but somehow i dout it - im too worried bout what else has happened.

so i havent written in a very long time and i cant remember what exactly went on when i last posted as i cant be bothered to read my post all over again but i think it was before red nose day. Which means it was before i got back together with steve over that weekend. it was a brilliant weekend.
but things were not to last and i screwed up again. i had told him that i wouldnt lie again, but i hadn't told him the truth about something that happened back at school, some thing that is pretty crucial to a relationship. we had been argueing for pretty much the whole week before but we had a brilliant weekend together, which abruptly ended in an argument. breaking up wasnt a shock but it didnt make it hurt less. it just made it easier to hide for a while, but the overwhelming emotions just seem to bubble up from time to time and completely floor me. i cant even seem to be around my friends without feeling jealous or unhappy because they seem to be able to be having fun. i can appear to be having fun but sometimes it just feels like this fake facade to keep the world spinning round while i quietly shrivel inside.

this weekend i went to the powderham ball, which is a ball for charity at powderham castle. i had a good time, and really enjoyed the fun fair rides. i knew a few people apart from my friends who i came with. but i constantly had steve on my mind, if his shoulder was ok after sailing, what he was doing in the evening etc. its like i cant turn it off, he has been such a huge part of my life that i cant just switch it off cause we are no longer together and have no hope of getting back together. and i hate the fact that i am like that. i dont want to be that person who is trying to hold onto everything. i want to be able to be the person always doing things, being a good friend, always up for going out. but i seem to be receeding more and more away from life, 
for example, today i had lifeguard training at 7, after going to arena last night. it was tough but i got through it and i came back and promply fell asleep. i didnt get out of bed again until dinner time and then after dinner was done i went straight back to my room and have bin in here ever since. its almost like i cant control it. and that presents another huge problem.
ive always seen my self as having a problem controlling my emotions, ive always felt that they control me and the way that i react to situation. and i used to try and cope with this in a not so healthy way. and all these feelings and reactions with steve, and my incresing reclusiveness has lead me to start this habit again. it just gets me to focus on something else for a few minutes at a time, give me a break from these emotions that seem to be ruleing me. i do it sometimes with tv and dvds, which is why i am so obsessed with so many different tv shows, but when things get bad they dont work anymore , or only seem to make the problem worse by reminding me of my problems. so when things get bad i revert to this habit, possibly damaging me more in the long term, but helping me to cope on a day to day basis.
another peice of pressure building up is the exams. i now have about 2 weeks until my first exam and i havent started anything for it. i havent even been to the majority of my lectures this entire year. melz's hen night is in just over a week aswell and i still have to talk to her about it. i am being very bad at keeping in touch with all of my relatives and family, and i know that i am suffering because of it but i cant bring myself to do anything about it for some reason. 

well, that is my current rant and state of feelings. i havent even mentioned my knees - having been to the physio i now have excersies for my muscles to do everyday to hopefully keep my kneecap straight. or the fact that it feels like i have put on weight again, even though i am trying to loose it. i really couldnt ind anything that i looked half decent in last night. thats another thing that is really getting me down aswell. im supposed to be getting slimer, not fatter.